Happy Birthday!
It’s my birthday week! Yesterday was a big day for me. I turned 59. Some of you may be thinking, “So what? I reached that age years ago.” Some of you may be thinking, “OMG! I’m next!” Finally some of you may be thinking, “Oh that’s years from now. I am not going to bother thinking about that.”
For me, there have always been special birthdays. There was the year I turned double-digit age. There was the year I became a teenager. There was the year my teenage years ended. There was the year I reached thirty and so on. I remember the year I turned 50. That same week, my one son graduated from high school, and my other son graduated from college. My siblings came into town to celebrate the birthday and the graduations. I held a party with my closest local friends, my children, and my siblings.
My 50s have really seemed like banner years to me. During my early 50s, I moved to Salt Lake City. Here, my home became my sanctuary. I’ve made some new, valuable friends. I’ve found yoga. I’ve found my sangha. I’ve retired. I’ve started creating art. I found That One Guy (TOG). I hiked in and out of the Grand Canyon. I spent six weeks in Bali – my first time traveling outside the United States on my own. I’ve joined the board of trustees of two non-profits. I’ve become a gardener.
For me, the most profound changes that have happened in my 50s didn’t involve other people or things. They have involved my inner self. I’ve made peace with my feelings and needs. That said, I’m not an expert at it, but I’ve taken time to slow down and notice me. I have learned to recognize there is an importance to my feelings; they send a powerful message. I have slowed down. (Trust me; if you knew me before I retired, you would agree that I have slowed down). In slowing down, I have been able to start to recognize the reality of who I am, and I have learned to embrace my authentic self. I have been able to ask myself the questions, “Who am I, really?” And “What do I want in life?”
Being able to ask myself these questions again and again seems to have opened up doors in my mind. I find myself recognizing my unconscious biases and wanting to become more aware of them and transform them. I realize how judgmental I can be of myself and others, and now I focus to bring in compassion and self-compassion. When I spend time truly pondering these areas, it is as if I’ve opened a door, stepped out of the fog, and I am just being and becoming. I love this space. I drink up my autonomy and responsibility. In general, I feel more at peace, more in awe, more grateful, and in more wonder of my magical life. I recognize so much of my life has been the fortunate luck of being born into the time, place, and heritage that I come from. But there’s also what I’ve made of my life and how much growth I’ve done on my own, especially during these last 9 years.
So as I sit in the infancy of my fifty-ninth year, I have to wonder, what will the sixties bring? Will I have a similar transformation? As I know from Buddhist teachings, “The dharma gates are endless.” I always have so much to learn. Everyday, I change. Still I ponder, will the 60s be as good as the 50s were? As I type, I remember all the challenges the past 9 years have brought: ignorance to climate change, an administration I strongly disagreed with, a pandemic, a war, a threat to women’s rights, and mass shootings, to name a few. These things will intensify when I’m in my 60s, or other horrible things will happen. It’s inevitable. I don’t mean that in a nihilistic way but more of a realistic way. Perhaps one of the gifts of my 50s is to have the awareness I need to navigate my 60s.
There’s also the (hopefully) slow decline of my mind and body. As my fifty-eighth year was ending, I came to terms with my own body grief, the reality that I am slowing down, and I need to embrace my body vs. reject and fight the inevitable. This statement doesn’t mean I am throwing in the towel and not supporting myself anymore, but rather I am accepting I’m not 25 or even 55 anymore. The hill of aging seems much steeper the longer I travel down its path.
When I started this blog 5 1/2 years ago, I didn’t know where it was going, and I didn’t know how long it would last. I think that’s one of the realizations I’ve made in my 50s: Not knowing where I am going and how long it will last is a good thing. I am focused toward embracing just where I am and accepting change as it comes. Next year at this time when I step through the door of 60, maybe I will have a big celebration! Maybe I will go on an amazing vacation. Maybe it will be a regular day. Still, I will be the same me, choosing to explore the world of my life in whatever way my mind and body allow.
