Space Pants and Magic Shoes
Believe or not, I am a wall climber. Spider-Man? Not so much. But belay, climbing wall, climbing shoes, and a harness: that’s me. I started climbing a few months ago. That’s right; at 59, I decided it was time for me to learn to climb.
Before I started climbing, I feared wall climbing on so many levels. My greatest fear? I was afraid that I would be the largest one in the climbing gym (and so what?). Interestingly, I didn’t fear being the largest one on the mountain when I skied (well, maybe I did a little bit). When I ski, I notice there are so many different body types out there. There are so many levels of skiers out there. No one notices I am slow and thinks, “She’s been skiing for centuries; why is she so slow?” No one know who I am. With a helmet, goggles, and sometimes even a mask on, I am pretty much unrecognizable. Plus, there are lots of beginners out there. So, no one knows if I am a beginner or an old-timer. Plus, no one seems to care.
I feel similarly on my yoga mat. I’ve been a yogi for over 7 years. I remember my fears of my initial yoga classes. I remember I had those fears for a year or more into my yoga practice. I would be thinking that everyone was looking at me; everyone was noticing the poses I couldn’t do. These days, when I get on my yoga mat, it’s just me and the mat. I’m not worrying about what other people are thinking about my body. Honestly, if you are in a yoga class with me, I’m not noticing you.
Wall climbing? That was a new adventure. Before I started climbing, in my head, all wall climbers were fit. All wall climbers knew what they were doing. All wall climbers were comfortable in their bodies. Thinking about wall climbing, I was thinking about the times I was on the rope in grade school. It was a physical fitness test challenge. I don’t remember climbing a rope or practicing climbing a rope any time except for those tests. I don’t remember any tips or help around what to do if climbing a rope was freaking me out. Because, for me, climbing a rope was a freak-out. The bottom half of my body felt like it weighed about four thousand pounds, and there was no way I could move it. I would get a weird feeling in my groin, and I didn’t like it. I have had a similar feeling trying to climb over a wall or climb a pole when I’ve been on “ropes courses”. I don’t like the feeling so much, and I dread the idea of doing something that will bring that feeling back into my body. So that first time I went wall climbing, I was super nervous.
My friends who took me climbing are very kind. They accept and support who I am in my body. One is a climbing instructor, and I imagined it would be a much calmer experience for me than the physical fitness test. I would have someone supporting me, rooting for my success. Still, I noticed I felt apprehension. When they invited me to go climbing, I was hesitant. I said, “I need to do my grocery shopping for Thanksgiving that morning!” They assured me I could go shopping in the afternoon. “I don’t want to go in the afternoon because it will be too crowded,” I said. I decided I could go shopping the morning before. Later that weekend before the climb, my financial advisor messaged me to say he wanted to stop by on the morning of my first climb. I typed back, “I will be leaving my house at 10:20 to go to the climbing gym.” I thought about how I could have said, “I’ll be here all morning,” and had a good excuse not to go to the climb. Now, not only was I going to the climbing gym, I told others about it so there was an outside expectation that it would happen. I was locked in.
When I showed up that first day, my friends were at the gym waiting for me with smiles and hugs. They had already selected a harness for me so I didn’t have to try things on and find out they were too small or didn’t fit properly. My friend the climbing instructor gave me detailed instructions on how to put on the harness and how to ensure that it fit properly and snugly. Then we went on to find climbing shoes. They explained that these shoes were meant to feel uncomfortable. What feels right climbing up the side of a wall is not necessarily what feels right on the ground. The other friend kept telling me how amazing I was to be there and continued to give me hugs. I felt like even if I didn’t get on the wall, just feeling the love of these friends was great. Perhaps I should just come every week for hugs and encouragement?
Next, I learned how to tie the knots on the rope that would attach to my harness. The other end of the rope would be secured through a pulley system at the top of the wall and then through a hook on the harness of my instructor. The rope was there to catch and hold me if I were to let go or “fall off” the wall. The instructor demonstrated how the system worked. She assured me that the rope was safe and asked me to try and climb on a “kiddie” portion of the wall.
Off I went. After I had gone up couple of “boulders” on the climbing wall, the instructor had me let go so I could see that the system would catch me. I could see that my weight was not too heavy and that I was safe. Still, I was apprehensive about letting go. I held onto the rope like a child would hold onto a security blanket. I climbed back down on the boulders. My friend explained that I could “slide” down the wall. I didn’t need to climb down. The rope would hold me, and I could slowly move down the wall without holding on. I heard her, but I wasn’t sure I believed her. She encouraged me to try and go up the wall again.
We checked each other’s setups, and off I went–slowly. I moved more with my arms than my legs. I was apprehensive, worried I would fall. My body is strong, and the ropes were holding me. Still, my head was afraid to let go. I realized so much of climbing for me was about letting go. Trying to control what I couldn’t control. What a dharma lesson! I did not get to the top of the “kiddie” wall that day, but I did try a few more times. By my third try, I found I was able to come down with a little less control, allowing myself to let go of the wall a little more easily.
Each week, I got a little better at climbing on the wall. The second week I went back, I decided to wear my “space pants”. These are yoga pants with stars and planets printed on them. I did so well that second week, I decided my space pants bring me luck so I wear them every week. Eventually, I mastered the “kiddie’ wall and moved onto other climbing sites. I am learning to navigate different types of spaces. Spaces where the steps are smaller, spaces where the handholds require me to turn more sideways. I realize now it’s more important for me to move my legs. Now I look down more than looking up, making sure that I have a space for my feet. Now I come to spots where suddenly, I get a fear of heights! I forget that I am safe. I forget what I learned that first day. If I fall, I am attached to that rope, and I’m not going anywhere. My friend has me locked in her belay on her harness, and I will just be suspended. Perhaps I should just let go one day and see what happens? Wow, I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet. Hmm…more dharma!
For the holidays, my friends were kind enough to gift me a gift certificate to a local climbing store. There, I bought my first pair of climbing shoes. They’re actually two sizes smaller than the ones I borrowed from the climbing gym! It turns out, the smaller the shoe, the better your foot fits on the wall. I didn’t believe this concept til I tried the shoes. They were magic! With the tiny shoes I am able to more easily feel the small boulders on the wall and hook my toes with more precision.
Now, I look forward to my weekly climbing dates with my friends. I don’t worry about whether or not I am the biggest climber. I don’t look at the other climbers for size. Sometimes I watch them for technique. Mostly I am focusing on my own experience, taking it one boulder at a time and not worrying about how high I get or don’t get. I have to give a huge shout out to my friends, though. Their support and encouragement has made all the difference in the world. I love being in their presence and feeling the empowerment that they share with me. They are a reminder of how important the other end of the rope is in making sure I am safe.
