Come on Body…
Just before the end of the crazy 2020 year, I decided to do something I believed could make a difference for the world. I decided to volunteer as a test subject for a COVID vaccine trial. The vaccine was in its third testing iteration. This label means the previous tests looked good and the manufacturer wanted to increase the volume of test subjects. That’s where I came in. I scheduled a “screening” on December 30, 2020 so that I could join the trial.
I was excited to join the trial, both to do something for the world and to do so as a person in a larger body. I kept hearing on the news how larger bodies had a higher chance of contracting the more serious symptoms of COVID . This information is a correlation; there is a correlation between COVID and body size, having a larger body does NOT cause someone to contract a more serious case of COVID. I went in for the screening and they asked me a number of questions about my lifestyle. They decided that my lifestyle seemed pretty normal, so they moved on to getting some vitals from my body such as: weight, height, blood samples, and blood pressure. When the attendant took my blood pressure, the results were high. Compared to previous readings I’ve had, including one in October of 2020, these results were very high. I wasn’t ready to hear that my blood pressure was high. I refused to acknowledge the data. I told the attendant, “That’s too high of a blood pressure reading for me. I am usually 40 points lower.” The reading had been taken with an electric cuff. The attendant offered to take my blood pressure with a manual cuff. I agreed. That new pressure was 20 points lower, but still, too high in comparison to the readings that I am used to. I started telling myself a story. “My body is no good. The blood pressure is too high. I am not doing the right things. I am a failure.” Wow, that was pretty intense. All because of a couple of numbers on a screen? Sounds like how I used to react to my weight on the scale.
Don’t get me wrong. Blood pressure is an important statistic to measure about my body. If my heart has to work too hard to pump my blood, I could have hypertension. High blood pressure is called, “the silent killer.” It can lead to a heart attack or stroke. My family history has heart issues. So I know I have a genetic predisposition for heart issues.
That said, I currently don’t take any medication. I pride myself on that fact. I figure I have a healthy lifestyle. I consider myself “young.” The idea that there could be something wrong with my body is unnerving for me. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to be a part of the test group for the vaccine because there was something faulty with my body. Even with all of the effort I make to acknowledge that my larger body is okay, when hearing this information about potentially having high blood pressure, my mind immediately went to, “See, you’re too damn fat.”
The attendant took all of my information and left the room to go to talk to the nurse practitioner to discuss whether or not I was a candidate for the vaccine study. Shortly afterward, the nurse practitioner came into the room to talk to me. She was very friendly and pleasant. She told me that she was concerned. She said even that day’s lower blood pressure reading was high. I knew that; the reading was higher than what I usually saw in my doctor’s office. She started to talk about blood pressure medication: its benefits, the stability of the medication, that there was no stigma associated with the medication. Still, in my mind there was stigma associated with taking medication. To me, that said I was “broken.” She recommended I get a blood pressure cuff and measure my blood pressure somewhat regularly and keep a journal of the readings. That way, I could really tell if my blood pressure was an issue. Alternatively, if my blood pressure was normal I wouldn’t have any concerns. Either way, I would have a record of the statistics to share with my doctor. Then she left.
I felt resigned to the fact that my body had failed me and that I was not going to be part of the vaccine trial. I was crushed.
Still, I thought maybe this woman was right to be concerned. She could have come into my life at just the right time to tell me that my life was in danger. If there was a chance that I could be in a fatal car accident and someone came up to me a few minutes before and said, “Hey! Don’t get on I-15 today. If you do you could end up dead!”, would I drive on I-15? Probably not. So, I got on the New York Times Wirecutter website and searched for the best blood pressure monitor. I found one and it was for sale on Amazon.com (I personally think that Amazon and Wirecutter are in cahoots with each other). I ordered the cuff and it was scheduled to arrive at my house the next day. I could start measuring my blood pressure right away.
Then I thought about my body. My body that has carried me through all kinds of adventures, traumas, journeys, discoveries, and challenges. My body has been there for me through so much, taking so many beatings, and here I was beating it up, again. I know I’m not going to live forever. I know I’m on the downward slope (albeit the “top” of the downward slope) of my life. Don’t I want to take care of my body as it ages? My body has been so good to me; don’t I want to “give back” to my body? If I do have high blood pressure, wouldn’t I want to take some medication to help improve that situation and safely extend my life?
And what about that judgement around medication? So many of my friends and family members take medication. Do I judge them for their medical needs? Why do I think that my body must be perfect AND to be perfect she can’t take medication? As much as I “toot” the Health at Every Size (HAES) horn, I really do need to take a look at my own thoughts sometimes. With the same compassion I recognize I need to give to my body, I will give compassion to my thoughts. For so many years I have judged body size and health. It’s time to recognize the benefits of medicine and the quality of life they provide, rather than shame myself for using them. While I do not yet know if I will be taking a blood pressure medication, I recognize I need to get off the judgement train around medicine. If I end up needing medication at any point in my future, it will be to help make my life a better one. That would be a good thing.
One final note: I made it into the vaccine trials. I received an injection before I left. Was it the vaccine or was it saline? Time will tell.
