It’s Still Here…
Remember back in July when I wrote that blog post about my body running out of steam? It was called Too Much. In it, I talked about how my body was asking me to slow down. I had been fighting the slow down tooth and nail, but it was time to succumb and listen to my body. Well the slowdown? It’s still here.
Here we are in September, and my body still wants to slow down. I’ve been hiking, and I can’t hike very far. I lose my breath on trails that are normally not a big deal, and I can’t talk much during a hike. I go a distance, not very far, and my legs start to bother me. My quadriceps feel horrible, and my hips ache. When I go to yoga class, I struggle to hold a downward-facing-dog pose. My arms feel like they are holding up rocks on my shoulders. WTF?
Add to the pain that I am tired. I seem to nap almost every day. If I spend the day doing a number of activities, the next day I find myself sleeping. A lot.
If you know me, you know I am a doer. In spite of my efforts to just “be” since my retirement, I still spend a lot of time doing things. I’m okay with that; the things I do are things I enjoy. But since July, the doing has been getting pretty exhausting. I’ve tried to do a little less. I’ve actually become pretty good at doing a little less. I’ve been signing up for less events and cancelling some of the plans I had already made. I’m listening to my body more and I am accepting when I want to nap and I don’t want to go to a yoga class or practice my violin. Speaking of which, remember when I put the violin down in June? Well, sadly I haven’t picked it back up. Sure, I look at it every day. Part of me feels sad that I’m not playing. But currently when I look at the violin, it becomes a “should” in my head. “Shoulds” aren’t any fun, and I want playing to be enjoyable and fun, so the violin is still just sitting. After 2 months of not being who I have expectations of being, I’m getting a little depressed....
I talked to my son about these concerns last month. His immediate response was, “Mom, call the doctor!” So did I call the doctor? Nah. I have a lot of doctor distrust. Doctors are the folks that tell me I’m too fat and that means I’m unhealthy, even when my lab work comes back shiny and clean. Doctors are the ones who had me wait 6 months for a back surgery, trying painful methods to get my back better. Plus, doctors are for other people. People who have REAL illnesses. I’m just generally having a not good day...for 60 or so days.
Finally, I called the doctor. I called to make an appointment for a physical. My physical isn’t due until October. It’s due on October 19th. I figured I could hold out with these not so great feelings until October 19th. Then I would ask the doctor why the heck I was feeling so bad.
Then in early September, I was talking to a friend. I shared with her how I wasn’t feeling very well. Guess what she said? CALL THE DOCTOR! Okay okay. She had a pretty good recommendation actually. She said to call and ask for blood tests now. If the blood tests showed anything unusual I could deal with it now. If not, I could just wait until my October appointment and talk about how weird it was that I felt unlike myself and yet my blood showed no indication of anything wrong. So finally, I called the doctor.
The doctor agreed that things sounded a little off. She said that maybe I had hurt something and I should be moving my body more slowly to build back stamina. “I do yoga!” I exclaimed. I mean how much more slowly did she want me to move? She laughed and recommended I keep it slow. She also ordered the blood test.
So off I went to give my blood. Through the miracle of technology, I had an email with my test results the next morning. Of course I had no idea what they meant. I mean I could read them, and they showed elevated readings. It wasn’t like when I see a high blood pressure reading and I know that means I have high blood pressure, or a high LDL and I know my cholesterol is high. These were mysteries to me. So I went to the resource I always go to when I want the answers to everything. I googled the test results. What did I learn? I could have anything from anemia to lupus to RA to kidney disease and cancer. I figured I would just wait hear from the doctor. The doctor finally called in the late afternoon. Honestly, I think they should hold off giving people results until AFTER the doctor calls. Anyway, the doctor told me that I need to see a rheumatologist.
So...now I am waiting for the rheumatologist to call and set up my appointment. I’m generally not an anxious person, but getting that mysterious news, I’m getting a little anxious. So, if I don’t hear from the doctor by noon on Monday (it’s Saturday as I write), I will probably be calling him and asking for an appointment myself. I can say something like, “My doctor told me you’d be calling to set up an appointment, but since I haven’t heard from you I figured I would take the pressure off you and call myself!”
There’s a weird sort of relief knowing that certain proteins are elevated in my blood. I’m not saying I’m GLAD these details showed up, but I appreciate the confirmation. It is a reminder to me that yes, it’s important to listen to my body. It’s important not to ignore and push through regardless how my body feels. I don’t know what the rheumatologist will say. I promise a follow up blog post. But in the meantime, I can say to my body, “Thank you for poking me and telling me something’s not right. Thank you for being patient with me as I took a little longer to listen.”
