Morphing
I am noticing that I am changing. Honestly, I change every day, right? My cells change. My skin changes. I’m talking about my thoughts and ideals though. These change slowly. Maybe one day there is an “aha” moment where there is a major shift in my thoughts and ideals, but in general changes come more slowly in these areas.
If I look at where I was when I was married, I am a much different person now. I value my own opinion more, and I’m not as afraid to speak up for myself. Since moving to Salt Lake City, I have discovered Buddhism and yoga. These two areas of my life have opened me up to so much more self acceptance as well as accepting the world around me. I’m less afraid to fail (though that fear still exists), and I am looking at the world with far more wonder. When I’m hit with an adversity (like COVID), I am sad and upset. At the same time, I look at the opportunities that arise. Things like, “Ok I have a clean slate. A green field where I can discover what I like to do when I can’t hang out with my friends.”
I notice that my social circles have changed too. The people I was hanging out with when I was married are not the same as the people I hung out with when I got divorced. A number of friends remained, but the couples groups were gone. Once I moved to Salt Lake City, I made a new set of friends. Friends in meetups and other social groups.
Then came my connection to yoga and Buddhism. Here the social circle changed again. Instead of hanging out with people talking about their latest diets or who did what to whom, now I am on Zoom with people who wonder about how they can share their compassion with someone who doesn’t agree with their principles. These people are talking about how coming back to their breath helps them to ground and be more connected to themselves. People who are recognizing the equanimity of suffering - we all suffer and we benefit from acknowledging it and feeling it versus trying to run away from it.
I now belong to a non-violent communication group. We too meet on Zoom these days. We talk about how certain events bring different feelings to light. We discuss our needs and how we can meet them for ourselves, rather than expecting others to meet them or magically know how to meet them. I love that I feel accepted just as I am in these spaces. I have to admit that this unconditional acceptance helps me to in turn to accept so many others in my world that I may have had judgement on previously. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t turned into the Buddha or a bodhisattva; I have grown my awareness and mindfulness to be more open to myself and the world around me.
When I look back at this evolution of my community, I imagine it like a bunch of close-swimming amoebas in a pond. We are all pressed together. Slowly I slide from one group to the next. Initially, most of my tentacles and body might still be with the old group. Then, the next thing I know I am surrounded by a new group.
I notice that sometimes I think about the old group of people. These were (and are) my friends. We shared our thoughts and hearts with each other. I appreciate them. I just don’t have that much to say to them anymore. I will get together with them occasionally (these days on Zoom or in the summer we could meet outside), but I find my heart is just not in the connection. I’ve swum on to my other amoeba connections. I wonder if my new space will be permanent or if I will find another set of organisms to hang out with that will feel more like my tribe.
I remember speaking to a close friend 3 or 4 years ago. We were talking about our “best day ever” moments. She said something quite profound, “It doesn’t matter where we are now or who we are with now. Those perfect days are a moment in time. At that point in time they are perfect and that is all that matters.” I often think about that as I swim around in my connection world.
So what about those who I swim with that aren’t a part of this new world? My older connections? I believe I have a strong connection to my family and I have no desire to swim away. I have friends I’ve been connected with for many years. How do I keep the connection to them while I evolve? Well, I would expect they are evolving too. Perhaps this pandemic has brought them to more introspection and awareness. Perhaps they are evolving in ways similar to my own. Perhaps they are evolving in other ways. My effort to judge less and accept more has brought me more connection to them as well. It’s not black and white. I don’t want to say I am better than another, just different from another. I wonder if they notice my evolution. If the changes make them curious or if they find them to be annoyances.
A big wonder I have is: how did I get here? When I chose to move to Salt Lake City, it was because the community I lived in seemed too limited for me. The previous community was a good place to raise children and I had no more children to raise. I wanted to live somewhere with more diversity of culture and people, along with the benefit of mountains. Somehow I ended up in the perfect neighborhood. I’ve found great connections with Buddhism, yoga, and friendships. Of course they weren’t all in one spot; the yoga studio nearby connected me with the yoga teacher who ran a yoga retreat in Mexico. This teacher later taught a non-violent communication class that led me to create an ongoing group with some of my fellow students. But this move to Salt Lake City created the soup that created the space that I sit in today. I could certainly say it wasn’t just the move to Salt Lake City. I could say that the move to Utah inspired me to move to Salt Lake City which inspired me, and so on... Sort of like the “I Know and Old Lady who Swallowed a Fly” song. However, isn’t it fascinating that the Salt Lake City move is what got me here? Did I manifest these folks in my life? That’s kind of woo woo. Did I seek them out? Did they seek me out? For me, it’s all very curious.
