Am I Okay Enough?
Thinking about the need for acknowledgement
Many moons ago, I wrote a blog post about my needing acknowledgement on social media. "Need" is a strong word with strong implications. Let’s say I wrote about my desire for acknowledgement. You can find that blog post here: Social Media do you love me?
Since that day and time, I have left social media. I left because I didn’t like the idea of Mark Zuckerberg (“Zuck” as he is sometimes referred to) and his Metaverse selling my private information. I didn’t like the idea of Zuck taking control of the content I viewed. I also left because I didn’t like the idea of being connected to the external validation of social media. I recognized that “thumbs up” and “hearts” made a difference in my day. Conversely, the lack of “thumbs up” and “hearts” made a big difference in my day.
This release from social media has been helpful for me. I believe I am more focused and calmer without going down the rabbit holes of my social-media-post-gratification and worrying about what everyone is or isn’t saying about me. I also don’t get lulled into reading news and media that has been crafted for me.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about external validation again. I notice how it can trip me up. I realize only I am responsible for how I am impacted by external validation. I mean, I choose to respond to it, eat it up, and savor it like chocolate ice cream. No one else chooses that for me.
I think external validation can be important. If I want to interact with other humans, I believe it is important for me to know if what I am doing or saying to them is acceptable. I don’t want to alienate folks. That said, this validation can certainly become too important.
This summer, I will be presenting my glass art at a local arts festival. Initially, I had no interest in presenting at the festival. I am on the board of the local arts council, so I did want to support the council. I figured I would probably volunteer at the festival, making sure the artists had what they needed or cleaning up the spaces during the festival.
A couple of months ago, I held an art council board meeting at my home. During the meeting, the board members had the opportunity to see a number of the glass creations I have made. The members were enthusiastic about my artwork. They encouraged me to get a booth at the arts festival. That outside validation was strong. I felt like an amazing artist that night. I went ahead and signed up for a booth. Now, I question my choice. Prior to signing up for the festival, I always made my art for art’s sake. I would move in and out of inspiration and create glass art only when I felt like it. I don’t have much of an inventory of my art. I didn’t about worry what others would think about it. Now, I am scrambling to fill my kiln and discover what I perceive would be “sellable.” What am I concerned about? What if I just shared the small amount of art that I have? I guess there’s some shame about not being good enough. I look at the art of other glass artists, and I see my skills as weaker. I feel less disciplined. I am aware that Judge Judy is making her way into my glass creating.
I think about when I was a professional. I would work for validation. The accolades, awards, and promotions were valuable to me. I believe my supervisors recognized that behavior and took advantage of it. They knew I was focused and concerned with doing a good job and making the right impression on our clients, sometimes at the sake of my own interests. Heck, when I pondered retirement, I was concerned for the well-being of the client. Luckily, I put my own well-being first.
I guess what I am saying is that when I put external validation first, I cross my own boundaries. I tried to make my husband happy at the expense of my own feelings and needs. I made my bosses happy at the expense of my own well-being and my children’s needs. I wonder where that people-pleasing came from. Did I learn it from watching my mom?
When I’m out and about in the world, and I see people who are constantly looking for external validation, I feel disappointed. I wonder why they don’t have the self-worth to see their own value in themselves. Why do they have to constantly look outside themselves for validation? Now, I wonder if they are just a mirror for me to see my own external validating behaviors through.
When I think back again to my professional life, I remember proudly displaying my awards. They sat in my china cabinet long after I retired. Recently, I went to check inside the cabinet to find them. Sometime in the last 4 years, I realized these awards didn’t have any worth to me anymore. Sure, at the time they were delivered, they pointed out what a great performer I was and how I could be counted on to get work done. But now, they just don’t matter. Their value was fleeting. Now the only award that sits in my china cabinet is a bouquet of paper flowers my son gave me for Mother’s Day when he was 8 or 9.
That’s the thing about external validation: it’s temporary. If I have to constantly look to external validation for my worth, then I’m going to be searching for it forever. While I might see myself as humble for not finding value in myself, I honestly think the search for external validation is more self-centered, constantly asking people to assess my value rather than finding it within myself.
I’m chuckling to myself now thinking, “Well, when all of your readers get through this blog post, they won’t be leaving any comments because they won’t want to give you any external validation.” Honestly, I do think external validation is okay. I enjoy letting people know when they’ve positively impacted me through their words, actions, or even the art they’ve created. It helps me to feel more connected to them. It’s up to them to decide how they want to absorb the message. I will work to take a breath and be mindful the next time I receive a compliment that is attached to a request. I will go within myself and decide if my authentic self wants to meet their request. I strive to be my authentic self, and that takes courage and self-reflection.
I’m sure the art show will be fine, and my artwork will be fine as well. If you’re in the SLC area and would like to drop by, please do! August 27th, 2022. I’ll even accept accolades on my work.
(Comic from http://www.markstivers.com)
