Is It Procrastination?

Recently, I went on a glorious vacation.  I planned the trip less than 3 months before traveling, so I didn’t have to wait very long before leaving.  Still, by the time I traveled, I had a culmination of emotions, including: waiting, excitement, anticipation, and even worry.  I worried about getting Covid right before I left.  I worried about the trip being cancelled.  Yet the trip happened. I went with a friend I’ve known for over 40 years.  We hadn’t seen each other in almost 5 years, and we had the fantastic opportunity to go on a cruise ship.  I know what you’re thinking; I was thinking it too.  Why the hell would I want to get on a cruise ship?  That was the Petri dish for Covid 2 years ago.  Cruise ships are wasteful and ecologically unsound.  Yet there I was, sailing the Atlantic Ocean, playing trivia games, snorkeling in beautiful blue waters, dining on elegant foods.  There I was, having the time of my life.  Or was I?

I truly did enjoy myself.  Everyday I woke up and had little to no agenda.  Sure, there was a calendar telling me when to go to trivia and what time the buffet closes for breakfast.  There were shows with dancing girls (and guys), magicians, and movies to watch on the deck.  There were people we met on board that we would stop and chat with.  There was an art gallery to view and a set of shops to peruse.  There was laughing.  A lot of laughing happening.  There was the hot tub to visit at sunset.  There were the fancy coffee drinks and bar drinks that were included with our room.  So what was there not to love? I loved it all.  And yet...

During my journey, I noticed myself feeling somewhat worried – or maybe it was guilt.  Maybe I was feeling uncomfortable.   While every day there had no formal agenda, I came on the cruise with an agenda.  Not just the agenda of “relax and have fun” but yet another agenda.  An agenda to write at least one blog post (which now you have the opportunity to read).  An agenda to read books.  I listened to one book on audio, but there were 2 other books.  These books were related to the dharma talk I promised to give the week after my return.  To give the talk, I also had to write the talk.  The last things I felt like doing on my vacation were reading any books or writing any talks.  When I signed up to write the talk, I was eager and excited.  On the cruise ship, I was dreading the research and the writing.  I found myself wondering, “Who was that woman who volunteered for these activities?”

While traveling, I noticed that I was dreading the activities I had waiting for me when I got home as well.  There’s the glass I will create for the local arts fair that I sign up to be a part of.  There’s the non-violent communication class I volunteered to teach for our sangha.  During my fabulous vacation, I found myself feeling regret for signing up for all of those tasks.  I even had trouble sleeping.  I would wake in the middle of the night thinking about all of the “to-dos.”  Did I read?  Did I write?  Nah.  I played word games!

I started to realize that Judge Judy had come with me on vacation.  I didn’t invite her.  I wanted her to go on her own retreat.  Yet there she was.  I wondered about that.  What part of me is there that thinks that I must be always pushing, always fighting the relaxation mode?  I realized after a few days of struggling with Judy that I hadn’t been meditating.  Meditation is that daily morning activity that I practice when I am home.  I spend time relaxing my mind rather that hyping it up on concerns and judgements.  Should I have planned to meditate on this vacation?  Would planning for mediation create another “to-do” that I would have beaten myself over the head for not doing?  Who knows.

Here’s what I do know.  I can worry and judge.  I can relax and be mindful.  In the end, the results will probably be the same.  I am remembering that beating myself with the “you should” stick does not get me any results.  Yet, what did I do?  I beat myself with the “you should” stick.  How curious.  At least I’m noticing it now.  That, of course, leads to me judging myself for judging myself.  Oh boy.  Go on that retreat, Judy.

Lazing in bed is not for me.  When I lie in bed, I think about all the things I could be doing, and then I “should” on myself thinking of all the things I should be doing.  So I get up.  I listen to my book.  I write.  But couldn’t I have laid in bed?  Maybe.  Someday.

Don’t get me wrong.  My vacation was amazing. I had a great time with my friend, reminiscing and joking.  Everything seemed to make us laugh.  We tried great southern foods and learned valuable history.  We had good conversation and great vistas.  The snorkeling was wonderful.  Still, I wonder.  Could it have been an even more amazing vacation if I hadn’t been worrying and “shoulding” so much?  It’s not so much that I signed up for certain tasks, but it’s more that I had such a judgmental attitude about them.  If I went into the vacation with the confidence that these things would happen by the deadlines they needed to, I could have dropped the judgement.  What a goal to have: to be a better vacationer.  Thinking about that makes me giggle.

When I returned from vacation earlier this week, I went back to morning meditation.  I went back to yoga class.  I felt settled, authentic, and at peace.  Before I pack for my next trip, I will remember to bring my mindfulness and self-kindness along with me.  They help me be a better me. And who knows?  I might get an even more fabulous vacation out of the deal.