What’s love got to do with it?
A few years ago, I overheard a conversation where a woman said, “She’s such a nice girl. It’s too bad she hasn’t found a man yet.” I found myself saying, “Why? Why does she need a man? Why does she need a partner for that matter?” I grew up in the 60s and 70s. I lived with Barbie dolls who needed a Ken to partner with, and Disney princesses who pined away waiting for their prince. Why must we always connect?
Often we associate things in pairs. Pairs of socks. Salt and pepper shakers. Mittens. Pairs of shoes. Pairs of pants. Can you ever wear one-legged pants? Not unless you are a one-legged person. Binary is our life. We have two arms, two legs, two eyes, and two ears. Our culture also sees people in pairs. When we walk around as single people we are considered others. Outcasts. Onlys. “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world'.” Really? Must we? When we see single people must we connect them with their unknown partner?
I understand. For our species to survive, we need to partner with someone and procreate. But these stories aren’t about procreation. They are about needing a partner to be “normal.” There are so many dating sites, tv shows, movies, and books out there that shame folks in our society when they aren’t connected.
Recently, I was riding a chair lift at a ski resort. Next to me, wearing a mask, at least 6 feet away at the other end of the lift, was a woman who just told me that she had filed for divorce that morning. My response? “Good for you! That’s awesome!” A few minutes later I checked myself. I confirmed with the woman that this was good news. 10 years ago when I was announcing my divorce, people were saying, “Oh! I’m so sorry!” It was as if uncoupling was the worst thing that could happen to me. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate concern, and divorce was hard. That said, I was choosing to do what was right for me. That was cause for celebration!
There’s so much big business these days in dating sites, classes on “how to find the perfect partner”, the wedding industry, and “the best gifts for your partner.” Really? Somehow my parents met without any of these tools and stayed together for 65 years. Yes I know, their long term connection was an anomaly.
But hey? If “till death do us part” is not the majority, why are we pushing it so hard? I know I stayed in my own marriage way longer than I should have. Why? I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t couple properly. I thought it was better for my children. I thought that ending my marriage would be so shameful. What?
These days I am noticing more and more that people aren’t married. And you know what? That’s okay. Marriage didn’t start as a union of love. In fact, people didn’t start marrying for love until the late 19th century. There are plenty of people living their lives in singledom completely happy. Why is it one of the first catchup things that people ask me when we communicate is, “Are you seeing anyone? Is it serious? When is the wedding?” While I am very happy in my special relationship with That One Guy (TOG), I have no interest in getting married or living together. TOG feels the same way. We have our own lives and we can come together as often or as little as we like. For us, that works out just perfectly. I’ve received concern trolling comments from some who’ve said, “You don’t want to at least live together? I think you’re showing signs of avoidant attachment behavior. You might want to work on that.” Really? Is it that “wrong” that I want to live independently? I think not. I know others who would rather get married. Many of my friends and family are married. That’s great! I’m happy that model works for them. I have other friends and family who live together. That’s great too. In fact, I even know someone in a 3 person relationship. Isn’t that amazing? I mean I find the emotional care and feeding that goes into a relationship with one person can be challenging. Two people? Hats off to those folks. They are truly dedicated in their love and communication.
How we choose to live our lives, whether in or out of a relationship, is our choice. No one should feel shame about how they choose to live their lives. I remember someone telling me once, “If you live together instead of getting married, you are just looking for reasons for it not to work out.” Really? Do I need a piece of paper and a more challenging method of disentangling to make my relationship seem more valid? No, I don’t believe so.
As the Valentine’s Day holiday approaches (was this holiday invented for Hallmark?), I hear singletons lament that such a holiday should not have been invented. No kidding! There is no need to shame people for not pairing (or tripling) up. If that singleton is looking for a partner, then that’s good too. But we don’t need to add any angst to the search. These days I am embracing what works for me, and I am encouraging others to do the same. It’s 2021! Women don’t “need” a man to support them, and men can take care of themselves as well. If people are partnering (or tripling) for love, well that’s beautiful. And if people are choosing to be single, well that’s beautiful too.
