Social Media do you love me?
For as long as I can remember I've been seeking validation. When I was 4 years old my mother said that when I grew up I could be whatever I wanted. What did my 4 year old self choose for a life-long career? I wanted to be a lettuce. Why? Because I loved lettuce and I wanted everyone to love me. That's what you get when you tell a kid they can be 'anything'.
My obsession with validation has continued. I find my need for validation has gone from organic to electronic. Back in early April of this year I quit Facebook for 6 weeks. Mostly I didn't want to read rants about people's opinions on politics. But also I didn't want to have to validate everyone's posts nor did I want to depend on 'likes' to make it through the day. I have to admit at first it was a struggle. What was I to do to escape when I was frustrated or I was out of chocolate? After a week or so off the Facebook grid I actually felt I had moved off my electronic addiction. I didn't need the 'strokes' of a 'like' to get through my day. I was feeling pretty good. Or so I thought...
Remember that back in April I also wrote about dating websites. How did the online dating go? Yeah I quit that crap. Friends said, 'Dating is fun! Enjoy the ride'. Well yes, I would agree. Meeting new people, going new places, having experiences with someone new can be fun. But the effort to get that initial connection? Not so much fun. I traded the Facebook obsession for- Was my dating profile viewed? Was my dating profile liked? If I sent a message out did I get a message back? I became overwhelmed with the need to see whether or not anyone was interested. Suddenly my 'am I good enough' feelings were dependent on strangers who I was never going to meet. It was a validation nightmare. I shut the profiles down.
I'm back on Facebook. I committed to only using only 1 device of my 4 (a personal phone, a work phone, a work computer, and an iPad) for accessing Facebook- the iPad. At first I thought I was doing well and that I didn't need a Facebook fix to fix my day. Now I'm not so sure...I check Facebook in the morning, I check when I'm waiting for a meeting to start, if I'm feeling lonely, if I posted a photo- did it get any likes? I check Facebook...Damn, some addictions are hard to break!
I have also noticed a mirror in Facebook. When I look at people's posts and think, 'Hell that's not very interesting- why did she post that information?' Am I really thinking, "How do those posts stack up against my own? What makes that person any less interesting or any more boring than I am?" Are we all out there trying to stir up some validation?
If a woman blogs on the internet and no one reads it is she really saying anything? Time to fess up- I do enjoy the 'likes' and occasional comment my blog gets. I appreciate the private comments sent my way by friends who read it. I do wish those were public though. I want everyone who reads my blog to see them and say, "Wow look at her! People think she's cool!" Isn't that interesting. 1960s lettuce turns into 2010s blogess to claim validation.
Frustration mounts as I see my smart, funny, beautiful, interesting self getting sucked into the grips of external validation. If I cut out social media will I be instantly self-validated? Well if history tells me anything I wanted to be a lettuce way before Mark Zuckerberg was even born. In fact, the year he was born I had already been rejected by multiple boyfriends, gone on multiple diets only to return to my original size (which at that time was smoking hot), and failed out of college (the ultimate "you're a loser" message of my life). So at that point I was pretty HUNGRY for validation.
In the 33 years since that year there have been some cool lessons in the midst of all of the hunger. In relationships I've recognized that for me, love doesn't have to last forever. People move on and grow and that's okay. We are better moving on when one of us grows out of a relationship than staying to validate each other. I know that failing out of college was one of the more motivating points in my life that got me to turn my life around and become a professional success. I know that my body can do some amazing things (hike, yoga, ski, run, walk, hug, carry children...) no matter what its shape is. I know that my value is based on MY VALUE and the value others put on me should not be a measure of my worthiness. Recognizing those statements is easy when I blog and harder in real life. So I will tread lightly. Not only in the world of social media but in all my connections. I want to take time and really listen when my head is thinking I have to get my validation externally rather than internally. I want to send that message back and choose one that allows me to value myself all by myself. I don't think that means I quit Facebook but it does mean I think about what motivates me to use it. I want to start noticing when my autopilot brain reacts to how others treat me and ground myself for a moment to remember- my value is based on MY VALUE.
This head of lettuce is a great head of lettuce- even if you are a carnivore.