Impermanence
In 2005 my family moved to Utah. It was the same year as my 20th wedding anniversary. I had asked my then husband what he wanted as a gift for our anniversary. He asked me to pick out a piece of art. Shortly after he made his request, I was in an art gallery and I saw a painting I wanted to buy him. Right before the anniversary, my parents came to visit. I was showing my parents the new community and I took them to the art gallery. My dad saw the painting and he wanted to buy it for us as a housewarming gift. I was grateful that he wanted to gift us something. Little did I know he would die within a year of the visit, so having this gift would have sentimental value. I didn’t want to make it an anniversary present if my dad was buying it. Still, my ex had asked for a piece of art and this painting represented our new address - it was a painting of the Ogden River. I let my dad gift us the painting. He seemed so happy to have found the perfect housewarming present. Then I gave the painting to my ex for our anniversary, and he was very pleased.
Fast forward 5 years. I am now on the brink of divorce. A divorce that was finalized less than a year later. When we divided up our physical assets, my ex of course wanted the painting. It was an anniversary gift. Still, it was a gift from my dad. My dad who gave so little in material gifts during my adult life. Sure, he was incredibly generous. He gave me money often. He sent me airplane tickets for my family to visit and hosted us in his wonderful beach home. But there really weren’t many “things” I could say came from my dad. I bought items with the money he gifted me, but those items weren’t chosen by him. I was devastated to lose the painting.
When I think about things my dad gave me in childhood, I have fond memories. Toys, clothing, letters written to me at camp. Sadly, I don’t have any of these things anymore. I found a flyer from an orchestra concert that I performed in. He signed it “Spiro Agnew” in his usual sense of humor. So I have a sample of his handwriting. I have a locket he gave my mother on her 19th birthday. I have his high school diploma (I really need to frame and hang that).
When the divorce was final and my ex got the painting, my son said, “Don’t worry mom. When dad dies I will get you that painting back”. Then my son and his dad stopped speaking. I certainly don’t want my son speaking to his dad in order to get my painting back. That is just silly. And I do have 2 other children who can advocate for the painting in the future when their dad dies. Will I still want the painting then?
My dad gave me so much more than stuff and money. He gave me life! He gave me a smart mind. He gave me a strong will. He gave me a sense of humor! He gave me an urge to be kind and generous. None of those things will show up in that painting. So do I really need the painting back?
It’s been 15 years since that painting arrived in my home. I’ve moved homes since then. I do have 2 smaller art pieces from the same local artist. His art is often of local landscapes. I have the opportunity to look at these pieces every day. Rarely do I think about the big original painting that my dad gifted us. But today isn’t just any day. Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death and tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad’s. So perhaps that’s why I’m thinking of this painting. I really should have taken a photo of it.
I don’t consider myself a “stuff” person. I’m more about experiences - the vacations I took with my dad, the time my dad taught me how to jump into the pool, when my dad told me jokes about Jimmy Carter while we ate the peanuts they gave us on an airplane, when my dad dropped me off at college for the first time, and when my parents came and visited when we lived in England. There are so many good memories I have of times with my dad that can’t be taken from me. Still there are melancholy moments when I miss that piece of art.