My Resilient Body
I’m a recovering diet addict. You might be thinking, “No, she got that wrong. She’s a recovering food addict. People get addicted to food. They can’t stop eating. So they diet to recover”. But you have it wrong.
As I’ve mentioned in earlier blog posts, I started dieting in my teens in an effort to look smaller - since everyone my age wanted to look like the girl on the cover of Seventeen magazine. No one told us these cover girls had photoshopped bodies (yes, even in 1980 they found ways to photoshop bodies). No one told us that all bodies are different, and these covergirl bodies may look this way do due to genetic makeup. No one told us how important it was to accept ourselves as who we were. So we dieted.
In college I was dieting to get rid of the freshman 10 (or however many pounds I put on), and then it was to get tiny for a relay race I was involved in where they pushed my body around in a little box car. The smaller the body, the easier it was for the runners to push the box car around. After college I was dieting again to look like the cover of some other magazine.
Somewhere in that diet journey my intentions shifted, yet I didn’t realize it. While I was dieting to get smaller, I was also dieting to disconnect from myself. You see my body is actually the sovereign space where all of my emotions come from. I wasn’t comfortable with feeling my emotions. Feeling scared? My throat would close up and I might get goose bumps. Feeling happy? My chest felt as if it is was opening up and my heart was expanding. Feeling angry? I was clutching my fists and gritting my teeth. So many of these feelings I didn’t want to feel. Having to deal with the pain of an argument with my husband? I would rather look at recipes and decide what to make for dinner the next day. Angry that I was alone? I would rather read about how I could get my stomach flatter. Feeling locked in an oppressive relationship? I would rather make a grocery list. My ultimate commitment to dieting? I actually worked for a famous dieting company. I spent my time convincing other women to diet. “Don’t trust what your body is telling you! Instead listen to our magical plan that will make your body smaller. It’s not working for you? Perhaps you aren’t trying hard enough”.
That’s one thing about dieting. It’s the ultimate way to belittle yourself. There you are as a dieter, trying as hard as you can to get smaller and the weight isn’t coming off. Could it be the diet? No way! It’s you. You’re the failure.
Dieting is a dangerous game for me. I know some folks feel they need to diet, or they have food allergies or illness that keep them away from certain foods. I am healthy. I have healthy vitals and I always have. I don’t need to keep away from certain foods. But I didn’t want to trust my body. I didn’t want to listen to my body. Our bodies have great built in mechanisms that tell us when we are hungry. More importantly these mechanisms tell us when we are still hungry. On a diet I got to ignore those mechanisms. I got to avoid listening to my body and let outer forces control my body rather than listening to my body myself. I didn’t have to trust myself when my body told me I was hungry. That carried over to listening to my body warn me of danger, listening to my body get angry, and listening to my body feel comfortable with itself (or herself).
Bottling my feelings through diets didn’t work very well for me. On every diet I would eventually get frustrated, my feelings leaking out through body in the form of tears, or binges with foods I had deemed forbidden. Then I would be beating myself up for not being a “good enough” dieter.
I was a dieter for a long time. A 40-year long time. With all that dieting you would think that the women on magazine covers would want to look like me and not visa versa. But no, that’s not how it works with bodies. Why? Because all diets fail. Oh I know, you have that cousin in Topeka who dieted and lost 100 lbs and now she looks great. Well, see where she is in 5 years. Because 98% of all diets fail. And not only that, when you diet you’re putting your body in a starvation mode. My body is smart. It knows how to digest food. It knows how to eliminate waste - and tell me when it’s time to eliminate waste. My body creates cells. My body breathes. My body has some magical senses. But one thing my body does not know is that I am on a diet. So when I diet, my body thinks I am starving. As a result, my set point (the point that the body thinks is a “normal” weight) gets raised to support me when I can eat again. That’s where the body is smart. She thinks that I’ve starved myself so she raises my set point so I don’t starve again (My body is good to me)! Additionally she will slow my metabolism so that I don’t starve myself. As a result when I stopped dieting I gained weight back, and it became harder to lose that regained weight because my set point was higher.
So here I am now. I am in much different shaped body than when I started dieting in my teen years or even when I was dieting to avoid my feelings in my 20s. I’ve studied information about dieting and I’ve studied myself. I’ve realized that my body is with me for life and she has things to say. Wonderful things! She can give me so many valuables messages. So now I listen.
Before I was listening to my body, I wasn’t moving my body very much. Moving my body to me meant exercise and exercise was part of the diet program. The only reason to exercise? To lose weight! Exercise to feel my body? Why would I want to do that?
Now that my body and I talk, let me tell you about all the beautiful things we do. We hike, we ski, we do yoga. We teach yoga! We listen to my appetite. That pizza looks appealing and I don’t feel filled up? Have a slice! I no longer let those outer sources tell me what my body should look like or how many calories I should have. I am more concerned that I have enough, rather than depriving myself. I know my body gets cranky when I don’t eat fruits and vegetables. I know my body gets a stomach ache and I still feel hungry if I only eat chocolate bars.
I’m not limiting how I move my body anymore. The first time I went into a yoga studio I was concerned that I didn’t look flexible enough. Flexibility has nothing to do with it. Resilience? Definitely. I retired from my career so I could hike more. What do I do now? I hike! I let my body carry me past so many amazing sights. I don’t care how long it takes to get up the mountain or what the outfit I wear looks like. I care about what it feels like when my feet touch the earth and my nose can smell the pine needles. I love stopping and noticing the views. I love to escape to the mountains - not to hide from my feelings but to feel them. I’ve hiked up and down the Grand Canyon. My body and I have traveled 8,000 miles for the adventure of a lifetime. There I hiked in caves, swam under waterfalls, and maneuvered through water canyons. I feel excitement, happiness, fear, and loneliness. My body and I, we do it all.
I’ve stopped saving my old smaller body clothes for a someday. I am choosing myself over a piece of fabric. I’ve started buying clothing that fits my body, I feel comfortable in, and I look good in. To be present with my body helps me accept my body.
I have to give my body credit. She’s been with me for 57 years. I’ve been pretty mean to her. I’ve beat her up verbally. I’ve hidden her from the world when I wouldn’t let her do the things she wanted to do because I was unhappy with how she looked. I’ve forced her into starvation mode because I didn’t believe she knew what she needed. I’ve squished her into uncomfortable clothing because I believed the size tag on the clothing mattered, not the way that she felt. She’s a resilient one, my body. She’s stuck with me through thick and thin (literally)! Now I’m at peace with her. Bless her heart, she was never battling with me. She was just the keeper of my magic.
The battle isn’t over. My body, she’s still a patient, resilient woman. I still have days where I wonder if I could be smaller and wonder if I should be “watching” what I eat. I realize that looking outward for validation puts my self esteem in the hands of others. On a desert island, only I would care about what I weigh, and I just don’t care. I am worthy regardless of what the diet industry says. They grow strong when I see myself as unworthy. Now I notice the days when I see myself as unworthy are less and less. Feelings can still be hard to accept. But it’s so much easier to feel them and accept them, than eat them and judge myself later. My body, my feelings, and I - we’re all much better friends now. I choose self acceptance over war with my body.