Was it all that bad?
In March of 2020, I was feeling very stressed. The pandemic that I thought wouldn’t hit my community had hit. My plans for a 6-week vacation had been cancelled. I figured it was a delay, not a cancellation. I thought I would go in the fall. By May of 2020 I was pretty sad. Not only were we seeing more of the worldwide impact of COVID, but we were stuck in our homes with no understanding of how long we would be there and what would happen next. By the end of the month, widespread sadness had hit in the US with the killing of George Floyd.
Now, I’m thinking back on the pandemic and I am wondering, was it all that bad? I really wasn’t impacted that much by the pandemic. Is it that I have a good life? I am fortunate to be financially stable. I wasn’t really affected financially by the pandemic. In fact, by not being able to travel or dine out as much, I spent less money. My children are all adults, so I didn’t have to worry about them being in school or schooling from home. They were still able to work their jobs. The challenging marriage that I had been in for 25 years was no longer a part of my life.
Sure I missed my friends. I missed dining in restaurants. I missed my family. I very much missed travel. I’m starting to plan and take some trips now. I know I can’t plan international travel. When I look at the news, I see that many countries don’t have vaccines yet, so I probably won’t be traveling to any of them anytime soon. But not being able to travel to foreign countries for vacation? Those are first world problems. Heck, those are like 1/4 world problems.
So really, was the pandemic all that bad for me? A year ago at this time, I was pretty down. If you look at my blog posts from that time, you can see my feelings of sadness. You can also see my efforts of resiliency and trying to make the best of a not-so-good situation. I wrote about escaping to hiking trails and how the summer wasn’t the best, but it was pretty good. I had a couple visits from family. I was able to do more things outside. Thanks to That One Guy’s (TOG) not working, I got a fountain in my backyard.
So, I sit here, on the cusp of the end of the pandemic and say to myself, “was it all that bad?” Has my brain chosen to forget all of the sadness? There was so much disappointment in not being able to control in my life. Is that what I’ve learned from this experience? That I can’t control everything? That I can’t control anything?
Certainly I have learned I cannot control. But there’s more. I was forced to sit with myself. I was forced to just be. Perhaps forced is the wrong word. I surrendered to just being with myself. I discovered that I actually enjoy being with myself. Now that my world has opened up, I am noticing that I sometimes would rather be alone than be with other people. That’s different.
I am also enjoying being with other people. I mean I’m really enjoying being with other people. Having the opportunity to engage in person with others is a treat. It is a gift. I am realizing that it was always a gift; I just never looked at it that way. During the pandemic, I spent more time talking with family on the phone. I would check in more often to see how everyone was doing. I was more vulnerable in sharing how I felt: I shared my fears and anger. In turn, my family was more vulnerable with me. While we couldn’t see each other, I believe we actually grew closer. Whether it was the deeper conversation or knowing we couldn’t see each other, I am not sure.
As I sit in this space of quiet after a time of fear and unsurety, I am grateful. While the pandemic isn’t over, here in the US things are definitely feeling a lot more positive. I have also come to a place of peace. I have let my need to know and my need to control go by the wayside. That doesn’t mean I don’t still try to know and control, but the sense of doing so is fading. Sure, I can do my part to make a difference and make things easier. I like to believe that getting vaccinated not only helped myself, but it also helped our community get to the numbers we needed for our community to return to a more connected place. Is that a place of normal? What is normal?
On this “other side,” I can remember being disappointed and sad, and it doesn’t seem all that bad. I hear people say it was the worst experience of their lives. For me, it was just an experience. I think that I was extremely fortunate. Not only for the minimal negative impact that the pandemic had on my life, but also for the awareness that it brought to my life. Moving forward, I am hopeful that I don’t forget.
”Once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive…But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm’s all about.” - Haruki Murakami
