Got a BLocked Head?
I have writer’s block this week. I’ve started a couple of blog posts based on ideas rolling around in my head. I wrote about different things going on in my world. But, I didn’t get very far. In the future I may expand on those pieces. This week however, the words aren’t coming out of my brain and into my fingertips. Perhaps it’s because my editor is on vacation for 2 weeks. I know that I won’t be able to share my thoughts and feelings with him on virtual paper, so maybe that is why I’m not writing? Perhaps with him gone I don’t have an “accountabilabuddy” to make sure that I publish something this week.
It’s become a sort of contest with myself that I publish a post every week. One day, in the fall of 2020, I decided that in the futureI would publish every week. I decided that would be my goal for 2021, and I even finished the last 12 weeks of 2020 with a blog post every week. Now, in 2022, I have kept the momentum going. Of course “Judge Judy”, the judgement part of my brain, has been there getting me to write, edit, and publish. There’s a problem with the judge part in my brain. She can be very helpful when I have to discriminate between fresh cheese and moldy cheese in my refrigerator. But when she starts to judge my behavior as a blogger, she can be dangerous. She’s that unkind part of myself that doesn’t let me take a break. Do I write so that I can say, “Look! I’ve published a blog post for 96 weeks!”, or do I write to get my feelings and observations out in the universe? When I force myself to write, is authenticity lost? For the majority of the days since 2020, I always have something to write about. Most of the writing I create never show up in this published space. Some days when I write, hundreds of words spill out on the electronic page. Other days are like today. This week there seems to have been lots of days like today. The burst of an initial thought shows up on the paper, and nothing follows. The next day the inspiration for the writing that I had the day before is lost. So today, Tuesday, the day before publishing, my anxiety levels are high. I have “nothing” to say. Judge Judy is chattering in my head about being a failure because I have nothing to post this week. One of the challenges I find with Judge Judy (and there are many), is that when she finds one part of me to judge others aren’t far behind. “Did you create your yoga poster for this week?” she shouts. “What about that glass art you’re creating? Do you really think anyone’s going to buy that crap?” These messages in my head are not inspiring. I do not want to write more because I’m being told I’m not good enough. In addition, I find that the writer’s block creates a whole other set of blocks. “Not writing? Well don’t bother doing the dishes then. Oh, don’t bother finishing your bookclub book. Maybe you should just take a nap.” While I don’t like Judge Judy, today I worked on giving her space to vent and feel heard. Normally I see her as a big bossy figure and this time I could see her as a scared child, afraid of failure and rejection.
Fear of failure is a big concern of mine. I can look back on my life and see plenty of failures. Yet, I am still alive. I even thrive. Each failure is a lesson. Doesn’t Judge Judy want me to learn?
So what would I learn from not publishing? I can only guess. I guess I would learn that I am still a blogger if one week is missed, or even more weeks. I guess I would learn that I am not a failure if I fail to publish every week. Honestly, I don’t know what I will learn unless I just don’t publish. So if you see a missing blog post one week just know I am probably okay. I’m just off learning....
