Sitting in Discomfort — Rocky Mountain Yogi

Since discovering Buddhism and the teachings of the Buddha I have been working toward integrating the philosophies into my own life. Life and death are an important part of these teachings. In the precepts, the teachings of morality, the first precept is to do no harm to living beings. It closely relates to the famous of the 10 commandments “thou shall not kill”. The first precept isn’t a commandment though. It’s more of a “Words to live by”. That doesn’t mean I should go around killing things, but more that I want to have awareness around killing things. And not just people- animals, plants, viruses even. Just knowing that the circle of life is impacted by life and death.

So I go about my days working toward mastering my understanding and living with the Buddhist teachings. I haven’t killed any humans - at least not directly or intentionally. That is to say that I have accepted that at this point in my life I am not a vegetarian or vegan and I acknowledge the impact that has on the world - the animals who are killed, the ecological impact, and the lives of the people who work in the industry. Still, I buy my carnivore delights in nice shiny packaging where I am disconnected from the food production industry and from the bodies of those who become my food.

Currently I live in a lovely home. I am in the Salt Lake Valley in a more urban side of suburbia. I have a nice small fenced in yard and I am as close to the mountains for hiking as I am to what is considered Salt Lake CIty proper. My yard has been described by friends as an oasis. I grow fruit trees, flowers, vines, grapes, and other delights in my yard. I have a bird feeder that invites many breeds of birds to enjoy the seeds during the 4 seasons that Utah offers. I love my yard and I find it to be a sanctuary for me... well as long as it stays within my definition of sanctuary.

Last summer I discovered a rodent in my bird feeder! I was looking outside hoping to see some nice chickadee or a goldfinch and there it was gobbling all the seeds! I FREAKED OUT. To me rodents implied filth - the Black Plague, an unclean house, a dirty person. Never mind that the rodent was not allowed in the yard and the birds and bees were allowed in that space. This was MY SPACE and I wasn’t having any rodent.

As much as I didn’t want the rodent I didn’t want an exterminator either. Exterminators are good and important people but they also survive on selling fear - telling me that I must have roaches if I have a rodent or if I have 1 rodent that I can see there must be....hundreds(?) that I can’t see! In addition to that I would imagine the poisons for a rat would kill my beautiful bird friends. I didn’t want to terminate the birds.

I pause here to say it’s interesting that my bird friends are okay in the yard but the rodents- no way! Aren’t birds probably as dirty as rodents? I mean there’s the avian flu! And where does this feeling land with that first Buddhist precept, “Do no harm to any living being”? I can’t help but get a creepy crawly feeling when I think about the rodents. What is that? Too much reading of 1984 and empathizing with Winston Smith?

So getting back to my rodent problem (as I perceived it), I took the bird feeder down. It was a sad day for the birds but there was no way I was cohabitating with a rodent, even if it was in the backyard. Then I gave the situation some thought. I had put the feeder on a stand that was within some foliage. If I moved the stand to a clear space it would be harder, if not impossible for the rodents to get near the feeder. Then I called my local bird feeder store. They sold a metal plate that would go on top of the feeder. The rodents can’t climb on the plate - they would slide off. So I bought a plate and returned the feeder to a clear space for the winter. I got to enjoy my bird friends and they got to feel well fed during the winter months. I continued to watch my bird feeder well into the spring. I mean...

I left the bird feeder up through the summer. I figured even if rodents ventured by they couldn’t get to the feeder. It was now located in a space that the rodent couldn’t access. I felt pretty clever and safe from the varmint.

So today I went out to do my usual morning routine. I turned on my hose to water my tomatoes plants. I took a look in my fountain to see if any leaves were floating around. Then I grabbed the strainer to pull leaves out of my fountain. I saw on the side of the fountain going up toward the the edge what looked like a curious leaf, it sort of looked like an earth worm. On a closer look I realized it wasn’t a leaf. And it wasn’t a worm. It was the tail of a rather large...rat. I jumped. I SCREAMED. Luckily the traffic near my backyard was pretty noisy that day because no one came running to see if a woman was being attached. I ran into the house and took some deep breaths. Then I went to the garage and got my rubber gloves. I pulled out two supermarket disposable plastic bags. I put one bag into the other and took a few more deep breaths. I went outside and I grabbed the rat inside the two bags. It moved (just a floppy body, rigor mortis setting in?) I screamed again and dropped it into the fountain. Now it really had to go. I gathered my courage and reached in and grabbed it. I held the very ends of the handles of the plastic bags and stood there shaking. I took some more deep breaths (thank goodness for 5 years of yoga training and learning how to ground myself. Who knew this practice would be for rodent disposal?). Then I tied up the bag and dropped it on the ground. I finished watering my tomatoes. I turned off the faucet. I plugged in the fountain. I came inside the house and put the gloves away. I washed my hands for what seemed like 20 minutes instead of 20 seconds. I came into my office and I started writing this blog post. I was still shaking. I did everything I could to keep myself away from the connection to life that was sitting in a Walmart bag inside a Smith’s bag that was laying in the grass in my backyard. It was time to make funeral arrangements.

I went out to the backyard expecting to pick up the bag. The bag was open! The literally drowned rat was sitting on the grass! I screamed some incomprehensible sound and ran back inside dropping my gloves and bags to the ground. I decided to give up the battle with with rat for the moment. Did I need to get an exterminator once and for all or did I need to learn and live with the creature?

I did what I could to settle down. I fleshed out this blog some more. I went to the mailbox. I made a few phone calls. I texted with That One Guy (TOG):

I started to observe the rat from my window staying safely inside. I saw that the rat that was not moving and now it was lying on it’s side. This time it was probably really dead. But I was scheduled to leave for a hike at 2 PM so maybe I should just wait. Then my friend texted to cancel or hike. So perhaps I was going to deal with the rat removal sooner rather than later. I didn’t want to go out there. I wanted to find some long item to grab the rat and put it in a really big bag so I wouldn’t have to be near it. As uncomfortable as I was I was finding it, I found it fascinating that I was so afraid and repulsed with this life and it’s death. Suddenly the idea of gloves, multiple plastic bags, and now shoes (I had been wearing flip flops but now I was afraid for my toes), weren’t enough to separate me from the rat. Why was I so repulsed by the life of another? I took some deep breaths. Like A LOT of deep breaths. I checked social media. I texted a few people. I’ve done so many things in my life that I perceived as scary - I walked across hot coals, I gave birth 3 times, I terminated employees, I served my ex-husband with divorce papers, I went on my first date after my divorce. So why was this interaction so unnerving to me? Not only that, this rat was such a small item on the agenda of today. Wildfires were raging, the administration was messing with the CDC webpage, people were flooded out of their homes on the gulf coast, and I had a little rodent to deal with? Never mind. Suffering is suffering. I don’t get to scale it. I can only know what I feel. And I felt terrified.

So I suited up in my PPE (Shoes, rubber gloves, 2 plastic bags, AND an additional large supermarket paper bag to put the waste in) plus my my mask. I figured I would pick up the rat and not pass go - I would go straight from the backyard into the front and out to the library across the street. The disposal would happen at the outdoor trash can at the library so I wore my mask for public safety.

I would like to say I just swiftly went out to the yard and picked up the carcass and went on my way but I didn’t. As I approached the body my breath would get really heavy; I was almost hyperventilating. Good thing I had a mask on! I reminded myself of all the scary and awful things I had done before this day and how they were now complete and I had survived. They were over with. Just like those actions, disposing of this rat would have an ending. I took a few minutes to debate if I wanted to get my kitchen tongs to pick the sucker up. I decided no, I would probably want to throw those out as well when I was done. So I took a deep breath and swooped in. This time I used the plastic bags to more push the body into the bigger bag than actually pick the body up. I could tell this time that rigor mortis had in fact set in. I picked up the other bags that this Houdini creature had escaped from. I put them in the bigger bag. Then I high-tailed it, gloves still on, over to the library. On my way there I saw my neighbor’s garbage can. I realized I could put the bag in his can. No, I thought, I have to sit with this feeling. This item that scares me. I have to be with this feeling a little more. See if I can find some honor for this being.

I would like to say that somewhere between the neighbor’s house and the library trash I had an amazing epiphany. I got comfortable with the uncomfortable and I made it to acceptance of this small creature. But I didn’t. I’m still crawling in my skin. I’m working on compassion. This time it’s for myself. I have awareness of other creatures and that’s goodness - maybe the first 10% towards the first precept.