Filling up my cup
As most of you are aware, yesterday was Mother’s Day. While I know this holiday has some legitimacy in that it is celebrated in other countries (Mothering Sunday in March for those in England, for example) it seems to be a Hallmark holiday. That is, we have it so that Hallmark cards can be sold, restaurants can have special seatings, and florists can make enough money to last until Valentine’s Day. I know I’m a mom, my mom was a mom, my sister, aunts, cousins, and friends are all moms. I respect them and the amazing jobs they do being moms. Why do I need a special day to recognize what we do everyday? I try not to focus on the speciality of Mother’s Day . That said, I loved it when my kids were little and I received hand made cards and gifts for Mother’s Day. When my daughter was a teen she would make me dinner for Mother’s Day. Yesterday, I got two phone calls and a late night text from my third child (I suspect one of his sibling’s instructed him to do so).
Normally I don’t think I would really care. I know my kids love me. I speak with them often. One lives close enough that I even get to see every week or so (the texter). But for some reason yesterday just struck me as empty. For the two days prior to Mother’s Day we had rain (rain is a downer in a state where you see the sun at least a few hours of 300 of the 365 days a year). I had no live interaction with anyone yesterday (except for the few hikers I saw on a hike I took in the morning). It was very much an alone day- and a lonely one.
My yoga retreat (discussed in the last blog post) turned out to be a super heart lifter. I know you all had that figured out even though my blog post implied impending disappointment. It was wonderful to be back at the beach and be amongst my kula. During our time together I recognized my own vulnerabilities and started to acknowledge the vulnerabilities in others. Those perfect beautiful yogis were actually perfectly flawed and I was finally seeing it. The love we shared for each other was authentic and I was brought to tears of joy and beauty so many times during our journey I thought my eyes would dehydrate. What was even more heart filling was the fact that we spent 7 solid days together- bonding, chanting, moving our bodies, swimming, and exploring our souls. Then I came home.
Mother’s Day occurred two weeks after arriving home from that special trip where I was in that beautiful space amongst my dear kula. I think I’m still experiencing the hangover after such a lovely week and having a day alone probably wasn’t the best idea. Add to that day that every store was advertising ‘Love your mother’ and social media was all a buzz with people remembering their mothers and taking photos with their mothers. I found myself feeling pretty excluded and alone. There are so many things I could have done instead of sitting around feeling blue. I could have read one of my many books. I could have listened to a book. I could have listened to music. I could have played music on my violin. I could have made some art glass. I could have gone to a movie. I could have watched a movie on Netflix. I could have gone to visit a friend. Yet I chose to stay home and wallow and think, “This Mother’s Day sucks and I’ve got nothing and no one”. Not the best choice. Funny thing is a number of the choices I listed above didn’t even occur to me until today.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t wallow. I think the idea that everyone should be happy all the time is just bullshit. I think we do need to take time to feel our feelings when they are sadness and loneliness. Or just sadness. Or just loneliness. I just don’t want to let those feelings languish. By around 9 PM last night I said to myself, ‘Thank goodness! This day is almost over. I get to wake up tomorrow and start all over again”.
That I did. This morning I woke up and the sun had already started to shine through my window- at 6:10 AM. I decided I would hike today- I hadn’t planned to hike but why not? I thought about the upcoming week- I’m seeing friends over the next 8 days and then I travel to NYC for my daughter’s graduation. That potential for connection this week put me in such good spirits- it filled my cup.
Now awake, I pulled out my phone and went into the hiking app, randomly choosing a hike that looked reasonable. When I got to the trailhead and started climbing the mountain I was not disappointed. The views were AMAZING. Partway up the trail I was almost sideswiped by a deer bounding down the mountain! The trees were filled with birds making beautiful music. A mile or so into the trail I came to a lovely pond with a reflection of the trees and mountains. It was majestic. I had to wonder- was this truly an amazing hike or is it the yin/yang of meeting my new day with a different attitude?
I chose to follow the trail into the woods around the pond. It was quiet and the forest was dense. At one point I reached a bridge over the rocky stream that fed the pond. I was so happy to find this treasure. On the way around the pond I came to the feeder point where the stream fed into the pond. I could see the trail on the other side of the feeder but it seems that the way to cross the water had been washed out by the spring water rushing into the pond. I contemplated retracing my steps and going back the other way around the pond. Then I remembered a day last November when I hiked to a hot spring and accidentally dropped a shoe into the water. I had to fish the shoe out of the springs and hik back the entire way in a wet shoe. Why couldn’t I do that now? I was about to step into the stream when a group of women appeared on the other side. They informed me if I went a bit further down the stream bed I would find a spot that I could cross.
They were right but....the crossing spot was full of boulders. I would have to climb across the boulders to stay dry and cross the stream. Hiking alone, visions of losing my balance and crashing my head into the boulders came to mind. Still, I wanted to get across the stream and remain dry. I decided I would do it my way- no rush, just climb across the boulders as carefully as I felt comfortable. I weighed going slowly and carefully against the fact that my stomach was rumbling (I had chosen to leave the house without eating breakfast) and started across the boulders. About halfway across I spied another hiker on the other side. I didn’t want to look scared or foolish so I sat on one of the boulders as if it was my intent to just hang out there. Once the hiker passed I continued slowly on my way. My typing this post is proof I made it out alive.
On my return from the beautiful pond I stopped one last time to admire its beauty. Tears came to my eyes as I acknowledged how amazing of an opportunity I gave myself today. As I hiked back I thought about all the friends I would want to bring to this beautiful place. Will it be as good for me after this ‘first time’? A sunset hike could be amazing here! Or how about one with fall leaves? I passed a number of hikers coming up the trail on my way down. I said, “Hi” and “Have a great day!” I stifled myself from saying, “The views are amazing! You’re going to cry it’s so good!!”
I find it interesting that this morning while I was alone I was so grateful. Just yesterday I felt so sad being alone. Was it the rain? Missing the kula? The artificial significance of the day? Who knows. All I know is that today is a good day full of so many possibilities.
(See the photo above for one of the amazing views. Is it me or do you think it’s amazing too?)