Summer Lovin’ Happened so Fast
A few weeks ago I wrote about one of the items on my 18 for 2018 list- No Sugar for a Month. This post is about another item on my list- dating. I put the word “Date” as an item to check off on my 2018 list. I didn’t set a goal of a certain number of eligible bachelors and I didn’t set a goal that I had to find a relationship. I just put “date”. 2017 was an overall dry year for me on the dating front so I figured it would be productive to put the word “date” out there to force some dating activity to happen. By February 2nd (yes Groundhog Day) I was able to check the “date” box since it just required one date with one man. But I guess due to the fact that “date” is on my list or by some magic of the Cupid gods, so far this year seems to be a more bachelor-filled year than the six prior.
That said, quantity is not quality. So far I have dated eleven men this year, with five of them showing up during a two week period in June. I’m not looking for high-fives for my results. I’m just sharing statistics, and that’s what most of these dates are, just statistics. During that two week period in June I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel on all dating (five men in a two week period is enough to make the head dizzy) when Number Five showed up for our coffee date. After four not so great dates I had almost written off date Number Five before it started. However I turned out to be pleasantly surprised. This man was articulate, interesting, and he made me laugh. If you know me you know I’m a sucker for intelligence. Give me a deep conversation on why we get wrapped up in the melodrama of an actors sexual activity and then ignore the offensive rules our political leaders are making and I’m swooning. Make me think and I’ll be drawing little hearts on my notebook with our initials pinned together with a “+”. So on the first date with Number Five I was already sucked in.
Over the course of the next month there were other “dates”. I use the term loosely because there was less discussion, less outside activity and a lot more...passion. Now don’t get me wrong, I like passion as much as the next girl (maybe more than some girls), but I cannot live on passion alone. I need conversation, outdoor activities, dining, movies, and other relationship type stuff. A couple of weeks in I said to Number Five, “You know, I don’t want to be anybody’s bootie call. I need more going on in a relationship”. Number Five told me he thought I was getting worked up about nothing and that he wanted a relationship also. So I let our connection go on for another ten days.
Then when I was sitting in Buddhist Fellowship for my Sunday morning ritual it was time for meditation. During meditation what kept coming up for me was “Number Five is not for you”. My heart was screaming at me that I desired more and I desired better than what Number Five was providing therefore I deserved more and I deserved better. I tried to push the thoughts aside, but they kept returning. During the Dharma talk I wasn’t listening, I was fidgeting and thinking about what my heart was telling me. When I got home I immediately wrote a note. It was the verbiage for a text (what! I was going to break up with Number Five via text? How millennial!) that said I was grateful for the time we had together and I had a lot of fun but I didn’t think he was the man fo me so let’s just end it now. Afterward I ate lunch, practiced my violin, and thought about what my heart was telling me. Then, I sent the text.
A few hours later I received a text back from Number Five. It said that he was saddened to hear that I wanted to end it but that he respected my feelings. He pointed out the many qualities I possessed and that he enjoyed being around me. He thanked me for our time together. In his text he was that articulate guy that peaked my interest back a month earlier. I read the text and I cried. I suddenly felt badly- I couldn’t reject this man! I hurt his feelings!
Over the next week I thought a lot about my breakup and the emotional impact I had from his response. What was it that made me so emotional? Had I made a mistake? Was this man the one for me and I was pushing him away? Was I giving up a gift? Was I just lonely and felt that I had to take what I could get? I found myself responding to those thoughts with, “The most important person in my life is me. I have to look for what I want and what I need. Number Five didn’t fill all of those items and did not give me all of the joy I was looking for. That may disappoint him but it wasn’t in my best interest to stay”. The week was challenging. Even with the hikes, parties, movies, dinners, and even a quick trip to Boulder I had to repeat that mantra over and over- “The most important person in my life is me”.
The next Sunday morning I was getting ready to head over to Buddhist Fellowship and a friend dropped by. I hadn’t seen her for over a week and I told her the story about Number Five. I noticed as I told her the details and read her his text I didn’t cry. Earlier that week while I was busy consuming myself with thoughts of this breakup my mantra was helping. My friend encouraged me and praised me for recognizing it was time to move and for being brave and doing so.
My mediation that Sunday was much lighter and productive. I thought about a future relationship that will meet my desires. I thought about the friends I have that bring me joy. I thought about mentoring, an activity I’ve done in a number of times during my career and one that I’ve really enjoyed. I realized I need to get more teaching/mentoring/helping back in my life to feel more passionate and whole. Then I listened to the Dharma talk- I really listened. It was a beautiful day.
I have to admit- writing this blog brought back some of the self doubt that maybe I made a mistake in breaking up with Number Five. But it also encouraged me to repeat my mantra again. I will remember my time with Number Five as happy. I will also take what I learned to keep searching for what brings me complete joy- not joy with pieces missing.