As You Wish
On the 30th anniversary of my favorite film, ‘The Princess Bride’ I decided to celebrate by watching the film. As I watched with a friend and I repeated all of my favorite lines (there were a lot of them) I laughed at the jokes, tensed up at the fire swamp, and cheered Wesley on to safety, I began to think more deeply about the underlying theme of the story, true love. True love has always been the theme in this movie that has been running through my head. My parents were married for 65 years. Was that true love?
So many movies, books, tv shows, art, and songs depict a two-person connection with an expectation of a lifelong happiness. Then they are dating sites, the dating coaches, the dating blogs, the dating podcasts, and the dating email subscriptions all promising me the elusive gift of true love if I only offer my time, money, emotional drain or some other form of payment. What if I don’t have true love? Well then the tv, movies, books, dating coaches, stories, and society view me as an outcast. Don’t believe it? I hear my friends and relatives ask, “Are you dating anyone?” “Will you ever marry again?” Whenever I go online to order from a meal prep service the smallest option always serves 2. Can I use that second meal for lunch the next day? Of course. But why assume that if I want to cook I have to be a couple or a family? Why must I only be worthy of a home cooked meal when there is someone for me to share it with?
In a society where I feel like I have to be coupled like a salt and pepper shaker I want to be licorice root tea. I want to acknowledge the sweetness of my heart while recognizing the warmth and rich coat of peace that exist within me. I want to end the envy I have of past lovers who connect with new loves. Those from my past were unkind, damaged, selfish, and became unwanted by me. Why are they offered new loves in others hearts? Listening to these thoughts is when self-doubt sets in for me. Am I too smart? Do I make too much money? Do I try too hard? Do I weigh too much? Am I too old? Do I seem too desperate? Am I too too?
Don’t get me wrong- I have love in my life- dear children who make my heart feel so big. There is an aboundance of everflowing love that never runs out. It remains unconditional- there is nothing they could do or say that would make them unlovable. Knowing that the love comes easily my heart never turns off. I have friends and other family family members who I hold similar space for. There is unconditional trust for them and love comes easily. But true love? A partner in intimacy with friendship that holds unconditional trust that creates love for the rest of my life- I don’t see that happening. Apologies to the dating coaches but the rest of my life is going to last a long time. I continue to grow and change and I would expect others to do the same... I don’t want to settle or to be permanently connected to someone I later discover is not in sync with me. What happens when Princess Buttercup decides to become a psychologist and Wesley doesn’t support her studying all the time? Or what if he is uncomfortable with her taking on male patients? Can you feel fhow Wesley could support Buttercup? Are there signs in the movie on how that would turn out?
If I take away the “forever” of the true love idea what am I left with? Trust, love, kindness, intimacy, fun, compassion, and gratitude- these are the pieces I need for a lasting intimate relationship. How long will it last? I don’t know but when I take away the “Everafter” timeframe it becomes more appealing. That said can my life be satisfied without it? My life is very fulfilling right now. I am comfortable in a community I love, having fun, and surrounding myself with people who love me. Do I need more? What is the sense of wanting true love? Where does it come from? Is it intrinsic inside me or created by the world around me? If there were no movies, books, dating sites, magazine articles, Valentine’s Day, jewelry stores, or other commercial opportunities to fill my thoughts would true love still exist? Was there a reality before the myth?
Marriage, the definition we use for true love today, originated as a means of managing property, a contract. When did it morph into “true love”? Original inimate relationships were transient and polyaomrous. Why are we now monogamous for life and we frown on those who don’t marry or who can’t make a marriage last forever? At the end of the day I do want true love but I don’t want my desire for true love to kill the fullness and richness of the life I now have. I don’t want to become so blinded by the desire for true love that I am connecting myself to a not quite right relationship. I will continue to hope for true love and still enjoy my wonderfilled, present, and authentic life. If you know anyone you think is right for me feel free to let me know 😉