And then it happened
Happy 2018. It's been a while since I last wrote. I managed to make it through "the most challenging day of the year", December 21. To me, December 21st is the most challenging day of the year because in the northern hemisphere that day has the shortest amount of sunlight. Being a daylight, outdoor, mountain lover the darkness of winter challenges me. And like the 53 winters before this one, I made it through the day. I've just returned from an amazing vacation that I spent with my wonderful family and got to visit a dear friend at the end of the trip. With all these interesting activities going on you would think that would be enough to start 2018- the year I've tagged as, "Endless Adventure".
This time last year was an exciting time for me. I got up the nerve to reach out to my manager and ask to change my work schedule from 40 hours a week to 24 hours a week. That's right, I went from 5 days to 3 days a week. At first I was terrified to ask for the schedule change. Then I was over the moon when the schedule change was approved. I was euphoric those first few weeks; then I was depressed that I made the change. I found that 'being' instead of 'doing' was a way of life I had not remembered living. Life before a career (and even before pursuing an education) was forgotten to me. I eventually settled into a happy schedule, upping my hiking days and enjoying the freedom of a 4 day weekend.
Then something happened. The 4 day weekends stopped being enough to get me motivated to start work again on Mondays. Somewhere between the waterfalls and the mountain tops I really started to dread going to work 3 days a week. When asked to write papers about the processes I developed I felt dread instead of excitement. When I was awarded a leadership position on a project I was initially proud but then anxious. I didn't want responsibility and technical challenge anymore. When I realized that 3 days was no longer working for me I felt ashamed. I had a good job and great benefits. People were envious of my schedule. How dare I not be motivated to work 3 days a week! I remember my mother saying, "You aren't supposed to like everything in your life!" So I pushed through. While I pushed through I wasn't very happy. At the same time I was very committed. I am someone (for better or worse) who sticks to her commitments (why else would I stay married for 25 years?) The more committed I was to keeping my work efforts successful the more unhappy I became.
Sometime in the fall after dealing with the muddy hikes and before publishing my 'As you Wish' blog I realized it was going to be hard to keep working my 3 day weeks for much longer. Still I kept telling myself that keeping my job was what I was supposed to do. I was not at an age to retire. I have a strong skill set and technical understanding that I should not ignore. I need to be a model for my children. I need to meet the expectations of my friends and family.
As I mulled over these thoughts of what I "should do" I kept hearing my heart say what I "could do". Imagine what it would be like to be able to get up every single morning and hike! Wouldn't it be great to decide one day that I wanted to drive to Boulder to see my son and just get in the car? What if I skied every other day? If not now, when?
Somewhere in the middle of my "should" and "could" thoughts and just after the hardest day of the year, I had a "why not?" thought. The kind of thought that went something like, "why not listen to your heart?" And then...I listened.
My heart was sending messages that were exciting! Amazing! Scary! Joyful! I was so scared. Scared to tell my manager I wanted to resign. Scared to let down the company. Scared what might come next might not be all that interesting or glamorous. Being a requirements manager is glamorous? Who am I kidding?
I've made some scary choices in my life- ending a 25 year marriage, buying my first home on my own, changing jobs, becoming a mom. These were choices that took a lot of though and soul searching. There was no crystal ball to tell me what my future would bring. I remember that when I made those choices I had now idea how my like would look afterward. Always it has looked...beautiful.
And then...it happened.
January 10, 2018 at 12:30 PM MST I resigned. I am no longer an IT professional. In 4 short weeks I will be a full-time Rocky Mountain Yogi Girl. I will have not just a year but a lifetime of "Endless Adventures". As I honor myself and my joy I walk away from those things that do not serve me- never compromise on a dream.