Gifts
Today I went to a Buddhist Fellowship meeting. I know what your thinking- “I thought she was Jewish?” I’ve sort of fallen into Buddhist Fellowship meetings. I’m not particularly religious. For me organized religion seems to have too many rules that make me feel ashamed. Also, many folks consider Buddhism an ideology and not a religion because there is no deity; that’s not why I go to the fellowship. I go because it’s there. Late last year when my regular yoga studio shut down for renovations I decided to go to the yoga studio around the block. It’s a quick walk from my house. There I discovered the 8:30 AM Sunday yoga class. It is a great way to spend Sunday morning before returning to work (back when I worked just 3 weeks ago). I enjoy the refreshing and heart opening experience. On one of my visits in January I realized there is a Buddhist fellowship meeting that occurs right after yoga. I decided to give it a try.
At first I was a little apprehensive because during the fellowship meeting they have responsive reading. When I hear responsive reading I think, “Saturday morning Synagogue!”, or, “Somebody’s church service!”. That said this responsive reading was all about kindness and happiness. No shame here, unless it’s the shame I create- but more about that later. After the sharing, responsive reading, chanting, and meditation, they have dharma- the teaching lesson for the week. Again it isn’t like the typical sermon I am used to hearing. It’s more of a pondering of questions that are worth meditating on. And the audience chimes in! They can share their thoughts. The speaker is equal with the listeners; we are all there to learn. Each week I have attended (I believe I’m up to four visits now) the dharma topic fits perfectly with how my life is evolving that week. It’s as if the spiritual leader facilitating the fellowship has been poking around in my head prior to the session and he has decided what would be the best fitting topic for the day.
Today was no different. After he sounded the gong to to indicate the end of meditation he asked the question, “Who are you? When we ask you to fill in the blank at the end of ‘I am’ who are you?” There was a follow on discussion on how we define ourselves, how here in the US we ask that with the phrase, “What do you do?” Still that doesn’t define who we are (who I am) any more than, “What do you like to do?” Does eating chocolate tell you who I am? The discussion evolved from how we define who we are to the words that we use to define ourselves like “Giver” and “Receiver”. Here is where the lesson really hit home for me. Giver- yeah that’s me. This last week when I visited family in Boulder I shared a story of how I support people in my life who are facing challenges even when I don’t consider them very good friends. My nephew immediately piped up and said, “Of course! You’re a giver!” In my head I responded to his statement with a sense of pride. I mean I know I define myself as a giver but when someone on the outside sees it too? Well that was just a wonderful affirmation for me. I felt deserving. But why do I need affirmation from the outside?
Going back to the dharma, the leader asked, “How many of you are receivers? Do you know that life is more about gifts than about earning something? We receive many more gifts than we earn things”. Ooh! That bristled. So much of my life has been based on “doing” so that I can deserve and earn. Now he’s telling me I can just get stuff? That was a new thought. And a hard thought.
Receiving is just not easy for me. Just last week I was skiing on a beautiful day, in my mountain element. I was so enjoying the mountain that I stayed an extra couple of runs longer than I usually do. Even though my left knee was aching I just wanted to enjoy that snow a bit more. When I finally decided to make my last trip down the mountain I was thinking, “Oh my knee is really starting to ache”. That’s when I lost control. I slipped on something and went down- one ski went flying off my boot. There I was flopped in the snow. I needed to get my bearings, retrieve my lost ski, and get back up so I could finish going down the mountain. As I caught my breath another skier stopped to check on me. “Are you okay?”, he asked. “Can I help you?” I immediately replied, “I’m good. No worries. Thank you but I don’t need your help”. I shooed him away. I was more embarrassed about my fall, more concerned the man would miss a few minutes of mountain time, and more anxious that I needed to prove I could do it myself than able to accept the gift of help.
That wasn’t my first refusal of help either. I have lost my balance on hiking trails and refused an extended hand. I’ve carried two kids out of a grocery store and refused the help of the staff. Back when I was working I would take too much on my plate rather than offload some of my work to others because I felt they were too busy. I’m sure there are many more examples of my refusal to receive that I can’t remember or even didn’t notice. I may be a rockstar giver but I am a remedial receiver.
Realizing I don’t receive was mind blowing. It was tear evoking. There I sat in the dharma lesson thinking, “Wow. How much of the world, how much connection are you missing?” I realized something else. I want to receive. What can I do to start to receive?
Every day I have an opportunity to do a little bit. I can't become a rockstar receiver in a day, but every day I can notice a little more of the world around me. I can start to listen and realize when the universe wants to give. Gifts are there for the taking. No one is keeping score. Well sometimes I keep score. So maybe I’m not such a rockstar giver either. But when I start to receive I can stop keeping score.