Violin goes…
Here I am retired. I retired to stop my “doing” and start “being.” That said, I am a “doing” person. When I first retired, a friend of mine told me that I needed to slow down. I was too busy. I continued to do stuff. I volunteered, I skied, I hiked, and I practiced yoga. I took a 6-week journey and traveled to Bali. I hiked the Grand Canyon. I took yoga teacher training. One of the things I did when I retired was pick my violin back up again. I had played the violin for over 10 years until I graduated from high school. Then I went to college and put the violin back in its case. I moved many times, even overseas, but the violin still remained in its case. Just before I retired, I decided that I should either give the violin another try or give the violin away. Initially, I gave the violin away. The friend I gave it to never ended up taking it out of her garage. So I decided to take the violin back.
The first thing I did after taking the violin back was take it to a store that repairs violins. After over 35 years, the violin was in pretty sad shape. Imagine if you put your legs in the closet for 35 years. Do you think they would be up for walking after you took them out of the closet? After I got the violin refurbished, I found a teacher to teach me how to play again. How did I find the teacher? In the barber shop below the yoga studio I visited, there was a poster in the window advertising violin lessons. What? You thought I would research violin teachers? Ask other musicians I knew? Nah. In fact, I think seeing that poster in the window at the barber shop was the impetus I needed to decide to go back to playing violin.
I started working with the violin teacher, and I really enjoyed her process. When I thought back to my days of violin lessons as a child, I remembered being reprimanded for not holding the violin correctly. I remembered hating practicing. I remembered lying to my teacher about practicing when I had hardly practiced that week. This time, taking violin lessons was different. My teacher emphasized relaxing and breathing while playing. We talked about being grounded and playing in small chunks to let the body rest. I found the experience very similar to my yoga practice. I was getting in touch with my body while making music. It was truly a beautiful experience.
At first, I thought I would never get back to the level of violinist I was at 17. Slowly, I improved in my playing. I can’t say I am as good as I was at 17, but then I have only been playing for 3 years now. There’ve been breaks in my playing too. My teacher has moved a few times, and COVID certainly made a mess of things. Luckily, through the wonder of Zoom, we have been able to continue lessons.
All the while I have been taking lessons, I also added other activities to my life. I continued to hike and ski. I spent some time working for the census. I am a trustee board member for the Salt Lake Buddhist Fellowship. I started my studies to become a weight-neutral, diet recovery coach. I started teaching group classes on overcoming fatphobia. I joined (and led) numerous book clubs. I became a board member of the Millcreek Arts Council. I really got back into “doing.” I think I may have overextended myself. May have? It’s just too much stuff. But I love it all!
This July, I will be sitting for my certification exam to become a weight-neutral, diet recovery coach. Taking this exam is weighing heavily on my mind. I remember taking an exam during my career to certify as a business analyst. Even though I had years and years of successful experience, I couldn’t get the certification without the exam. I fretted over the exam. I struggled to study; my studying skills had weakened since it had been over 30 years since I had been in school (and I wasn’t the greatest test taker in school). So thinking about this upcoming exam has me feeling uneasy. Add to that the other commitments I have made in my life, and I am feeling uncomfortable. My Judge Judy is speaking up. “How the hell are you going to get anything done with all that you do? You need to let go of some of what’s on your plate!”
Around the same time that Judge Judy was shouting, I was noticing that I’m tired, and I’m not sure I want to continue to play the violin right now. Every time I practice, it feels like a chore. I am judging myself for stopping, yet I am miserable- so why should I continue? I don’t want to disappoint my teacher. Not wanting to disappoint my teacher should not be a reason to keep taking lessons. Perhaps I should stop until after I take my exam?
I decided to let my teacher know that I needed to stop taking lessons for a while. I figured 2 months should be a good window of time. Once I made the decision, I started to feel very nervous about telling my violin teacher. I’m not completely dropping the violin; I’m just taking a 2-month hiatus. That seems so long! But I remember that I took an almost 35-year hiatus. That was long. If after 2 months I decide violin is no longer my thing, that’s ok too. I’m just not enjoying playing right now. Practicing is an effort and I’m judging myself for not doing it. Still, I felt miserable thinking about letting my teacher down.
At my next lesson, I announced to my teacher that I was going to stop playing. I felt apprehensive breaking the news. I thought my teacher would be disappointed. Why would I feel that way? She had never seemed disappointed with me before. As I should have predicted, my teacher was completely accepting. She related my challenges to her own life. She reminded me that she had stepped away from teaching when she couldn’t make that work in her own situation. Still, I patiently waited for her to return. Of course she wanted to give me the same respect. She shared her gratitude for having me as a student.
I felt very relieved and respected. I felt grateful for my opportunity to work with her. My lesson that day was fun, and I was reminded of the joy I feel from playing the violin. Even days after the lesson, I was still humming the tune we played together.
I’m not sure what will happen with my relationship to the violin. I do know that I am grateful I recognized I was overwhelmed and spoke up. I am also grateful for my relationship with my violin teacher. I look forward to connecting with her again sometime soon.
